My on-off boyfriend, Money

I can’t get enough

When I have money I feel more confident. Even on a rainy day I can see the silver lining on those grey clouds. I feel like, life’s not so bad. I made it through the day, I will make it tomorrow and things will get better. Doesn’t matter that it’s money I loaned from someone. No, it’s like that quick fix to your self esteem and self worth. I can buy shit for myself and for my kids and tonight we’re going to have a wonderful meal (or at least not the usual carbs with veggies. Some yummy plain carbs will do just fine!)

I first got to know money when I was in high school. There were times my mother handed me pocket money to do my own shopping before I left for boarding school and it gave me a sense of empowerment. She trusted me enough to make the right choices for myself. Even if it was just buying lotion and shampoo. Sometimes I overspent and bought the more expensive products but that was okay. I was learning the value of money.

Fast forward to University when I was staying at the hostel next to my campus; I got a monthly allowance from my dad and I paid my rent. I learned how to fill out a bankers cheque slip and waiting on the line was now a end month ritual for me,like the rest of the adults in society. When I got my first child however, I knew how much I needed this guy and I would have begged and pleaded with him to stay in my life permanently. Like marry me already!However, he tends to leave without notice and then later he sends me some guilty money to make up for his absence.

Money plays with my emotions and my relationship. I find myself arguing with my husband over money or being irritated with him when we’re broke and then I give him a smile and maybe sex tonight when I got everything I wanted at the supermarket. He pointed this out. I denied it but after another trip to the store after a spell of brokenness I felt happier. Even though we’re both unemployed( well he’s not looking for work so I guess it’s just me) and rent is due in three days 😒

My husband is a designated hustler. This means he’s wildly optimistic and sometimes pulls money out of thin air. On the other hand am a woman. I want stability and reassurance on top of certainty. I can be realistic to the point of pessimism but I want to be more relaxed. Less worrisome and cumbersome, because nagging doesn’t mean I get more bank deposits. Besides, it’s the only way I’m going to live till 100. That, and if I lower my carb intake and start doing yoga.

Why then, do we allow money to do this to us? I’ll speak for myself. Stress literally eats me up sometimes. I lose weight without even knowing it. Money gives me confidence, makes me look better, I can eat better food,go to dope new restaurants and live my best life. I’m not even going to play on that positive mentality shit. Money is a factor. You better believe it. I think the secret is just in knowing how to handle it. I mean when you’re practiced enough with a vice or an indulgence you know when to put the brakes and how to bounce back the day after. I don’t automatically turn into a mean grump but sometimes I just need to vent. I need a break!

Right now, I’m trying to find a way to be just as happy and as confident without money as I am with it. It goes without saying we can’t depend on external factors to make us or keep us happy. It’s up to you. To us.Well, am checking my attitude. Being vigilant when I hear a different tone of voice i catch myself or when I feel like scratching the inside of my chest I just try to take deep breaths instead of snapping. I’m growing and learning about myself and my relationship with money. I’m trying to learn from my husband too. I’m trying to be a believer in myself. It’s the only way you can survive during the dry spells and be a shooting star when you’re making it rain.

I want to be happy even when am only collecting lemons under an apple tree. Make sense?

Thank you for reading and if you like my thought process, go ahead and follow me.